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Diplomatic Immunity - A day in the life of a Consul 2/3

April 7, 2017


This blog is based on fact. Any similarity with fictitious events or characters is purely coincidental. All events described herein actually happened, though on occasion the author has taken certain, very small, liberties with chronology, because that is his right as a Gueuselambixian.


You are the fourth Secretary and Consul of the Gueuselambix Embassy in the Very Democratic Republic of Great Lakes and Rivers.


2:00 PM: As you prepare to leave the Embassy, ​​Mr. L'Embrouille, a Gueuselambixian citizen, who has taken refuge in the Very Democratic Republic of Great Lakes and Rivers, following a dispute with the Gueuselambix justice and co-owner of the night club "Le Duvel", comes to the Consulate obviously close to an ethylic coma and demands the immediate issuing of a long stay visa in the brand new passport of Marie-Frédérique Kadeau, notorious prostitute whom he presents as his future wife. 

The visa officer refusing to comply, follows an exchange of rather lively remarks between the two of them. Mr. L'Embrouille calling the visa officer a “bloody wanker, only too happy to feed off the Gueuselambix taxpayers' money”, the visa officer referring to the bar owner as an “aids carrying nigger-loving towel-head". The two protagonists come to blows. 

Alarmed by their cries, you step in to separate the combatants and ask M. L'Embrouille to leave the Consulate. He reluctantly complies, but not without announcing that he will bring the incident to the attention of the Department of Foreign Affairs (which he will, of course, taking care to reduce the incident to a very personal version).


2:30 PM: Your generator still not being repaired, you feel brave (desperate) enough to have lunch at the restaurant 'Chez KOKO’ close to the chancery.

You order a dish of rice and fish. Once brought to the table you consider it more prudent not to make more ample acquaintance with the fish. Back home you are preparing to eat your third papaya of the day, when the security guard comes to warn you that the young Lepaumé Albert was arrested by the local police in possession of 500 grams of hashish and 2,500 U$, the product of an illegal currency exchange with an opponent of the regime.


2:45 PM: You immediately instruct the Vice-Consul to assist the young Lepaumé (who is at risk of being sentenced to death) and to engage in negotiations (carrying substantial bribes) with the police and the Ministry of Justice of the Very Democratic Republic of Great Lakes and Rivers. As your secretary did not manage, due to an ICT systems breakdown, to forward the official mail you wrote on the case to the Ministry, you get hold of your walkie-talkie to call the ICT technician. The latter, a highly indebted owner of a princely residence under construction, lives for economic reasons in a shantytown located about twenty kilometers from the city center. The connection being disturbed by a tropical storm - unless it is the presence of many dilapidated buildings standing between the embassy and the home of the ICT technician, you decide to go to his home.


3:35 PM: Entering into the ICT technician's hovel, you catch him in the company of three local beauties, the oldest of whom seems to have not yet reached twelve and ask him to interrupt his siesta and join the Embassy on the double.


4:30 PM: The ICT technician gives up trying to forward your immediate mail, the satellite uplink being impossible by difficulties of propagation. A diffuse feeling of abandonment overwhelms you momentarily.


5:00 PM The Vice-Consul informs you that young Lepaumé, who is surprised not to benefit from diplomatic immunity, is likely to be sentenced to life imprisonment for drug trafficking and illegal foreign currency detention. At this point you realize that your schedule for the next three years - the time to obtain the expulsion of the person concerned - is fully booked. However you do not draw any sense of satisfaction from this.


5:25 PM You return to your residence only to discover that your stock of frozen perishable food items is completely thawed by now and therefore doomed to rapid putrefaction. The three burning hot drops of water that flow from your garden hose not allowing you to do your ablutions, you just change your shirt and you prepare to represent Gueuselambix at a cocktail offered by the Minister of Agriculture and Information of the Very Democratic Republic of Great Lakes and Rivers in honor of the 10th anniversary of the accession of his country in the Union of the Countries of the Great Rivers and Lakes.


Read part 3 here.

Mr. Robert Dikshit (pronounced Dixit), 4th Secretary and Consul of Gueuselambix.

Embassy of Gueuselambix to the Very Democratic Republic of Great Lakes and Rivers.

3, Avenue of the Popular Growth For the Democratic Rectification of the National Revolution of December 20 (former Beach Rd.)

BP 000002 - Matabish Ville. 

Telephone: Out of order.

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