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Diplomatic Immunity - A day in the life of a Consul 1/3


The characters and events in this blog are fictitious. Any apparent similarity to real persons, countries or continents is not intended by the author and is either a coincidence or the product of your own troubled imagination.

You are the fourth Secretary and Consul of the Gueuselambix Embassy in the Very Democratic Republic of Great Lakes and Rivers.

5:30 AM: You wake up to the sound of gunfire and thundering of rockets in the northern slums of the city where 12 year old soldiers fire away at each other every morning.

6:15 AM: You discover that the generator in your residence, which has been running for two weeks without interruption (there is never any electricity in the neighborhood you live in) has finally died. You try in vain to repair it under the contemptuous look of your guard (who you caught stealing your petrol just two weeks ago)

7:15 AM: In the absence of electricity to pump water into the tank installed up on your roof, you resign yourself to doing your morning toilet in the garden with the two drops of water left in the irrigation hose. Your breakfast is reduced to a lukewarm Fanta and two unripe papayas the guard didn’t steal yet.

8:00 AM: As you head towards the Embassy, ​​the local population makes you feel welcome by greeting you with selected jeers, various insults, spitting and throwing stones at you.

A few meters from the chancery, a police officer arrests you for a breach of a traffic code that does not even exist as a local tradition, with the obvious purpose of obtaining a bribe. You wield your diplomatic passport but as it becomes obvious that the diligent officer of the law is completely illiterate and becomes threatening - point made by shoving a rusty Kalashnikov in your face - you prefer to give in and offer a 100 U$ bill.

8:30 AM: Arriving at the Embassy, ​​you fight your way through the multicolored and vociferous crowd of visa applicants and when you reach your office, you start reading the local press, which only headline is the announcement that the "Undersecretary of Equipment visited the province of the Lower Rivers and Great Lakes to encourage the enthusiastic masses of the people to pursue the construction of the Very Democratic Republic of Great Lakes and Rivers”

In accordance with the instructions of the Ambassador requiring that the outgoing correspondence of the Embassy increases each year by 20% in relation to the production of the previous year, you start drafting a detailed dispatch to your HQ.

9:00 AM: Your secretary hands over the collection of mails. The Department asks you to carry out, the same day and at the highest level, a démarche to ensure that the Very Democratic Republic of Great Lakes and Rivers supports the candidature of Mr. Ig. Noramus, a Gueuselambix university academic residing in Potopoto, to The Presidency of the International Office for the Protection of Students of the Very Democratic Republic of Great Lakes and Rivers.

Your urgent email requesting a spare part to repair the air-conditioning system of the Embassy remains, despite many reminders, unanswered.

9:30 AM You are trying desperately to reach the Ministry of Foreign Affairs of the Very Democratic Republic of Great Lakes and Rivers, but realizing the communication is systematically cut off after a few seconds, you decide to go there yourself with your own vehicle (the service car of the embassy being "momentarily" out of service since five weeks).

After a long wait in an overheated and dark corridor you are received by an obscure assistant of the Third Deputy Chief of Protocol, who informs you in a pedantic tone that you can not see any official of the Ministry of Foreign Affairs without having made an appointment at least two months in advance.

11:30 AM Earlier than usual, the Ambassador arrives at the Embassy and, after having emptied half a bottle of Johnny Walker, and complaining about the particularly humid climate of the Very Democratic Republic of Great Lakes and Rivers, summons everyone to the weekly staff-meeting.

He starts by labelling you a "dangerous moron lacking any ambition", reminds the Cultural Attaché that being posted in the Very Democratic Republic of Great Lakes and Rivers does not exempt him from wearing a tie and starts sulking because the wife of the Commercial Attache stayed away from the High Tea organized two days earlier by his wife.

Then he asks you to inform the ICT technician of the Embassy that he is summoned to go immediately to the Residence for a matter of the highest urgency (to repair the hi-fi system which has been out of order since that morning), before launching into a detailed description of some of the highlights of his accomplishments during a stay in Tonkin from March to September 1977, followed by a very interesting reflection on the administration of the territory of the Reguibat plunderers of Mauritania, accompanied by an eulogy of the many qualities of the girls of this tribe.

1:45 PM The Ambassador adjourns the meeting, pensively stroking the lapel of his jacket on which is pinned a rosette obtained who knows how and to the total indifference of his fellow citizens.

Invited by his French colleague (the only one whose language he understands) to a prolonged weekend at the seaside, he abandons you to your fate for at least six days.

Read part 2 here.

Mr. Robert Dikshit (pronounced Dixit), 4th Secretary and Consul of Gueuselambix.

Embassy of Gueuselambix to the Very Democratic Republic of Great Lakes and Rivers.

Chancery: 3, Avenue of the Popular Growth For the Democratic Rectification of the National Revolution of December 20 (former Beach Rd.) - BP 000002 - Matabish Ville.

Telephone: Out of order.


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